i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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