i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
