Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
