I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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