just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
