i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
