I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I am naked and annoyed.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
