Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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