got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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