I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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