Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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