Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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