it was like his penis was on wheels.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
