it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
