chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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