so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
