Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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