I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
