You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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