Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You're like the curious george of whores
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
