I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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