Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
