Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
