i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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