what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
