my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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