i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
