Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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