I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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