How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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