Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
