What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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