My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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