Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
