What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
