I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
