dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
