I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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