I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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