I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
