Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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