I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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