Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
