He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
