I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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