The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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