I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
