I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I can't turn off my feet"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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