she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
