WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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