He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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