I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
3 2 1 whiskey
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
