i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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