I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
