I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
